Chewy & His Wingman Bro Down

One night over the holidays in Chicago, I was starting to get sick of hanging out with Lori all the time, so I picked up some beers and asked her brother if he wanted to party. He's a pilot, like me.





The night started off awesome. We bro'd down over vertical speed indicators and other general aviation stuff.



We discussed general flying technique. At some point I was like, "The new external nacelle chevrons on the Boeing 737 Max are so going to rock my world" and he was like "Hellz ye bro!" and we cheers'd.



He said, "Dude, the Millennium Falcon looks so much more complicated than a dual-engine aircraft" and I was like, "Man, but piloting Cessnas and other single-engine aircraft just seems way more precarious" and then we both just agreed that we're awesome.



Then we drank more beer.



At some point he told me that he thinks Wookiees look kind of like giant rabbits.



We don't, but I was okay with that.



The night progressed. Jack went out at some point to grab more beers, which was good, because he's taller than me.



We drank more.



As it got closer to dawn, I was like, "Man, you're still in aviation and that's so awesome, because I'm retired," and Jack started being like, "Dude, man, you got to be Han Solo's wingman and that must have been so awesome" and we cheers'd.



But then I had to be like, "Actually, I did most of the piloting. Han Solo mostly just drank and gambled a lot," and Jack was like "Whatever dude, you were still his wingman," so I was like "Whatever, dude, try flying in outer space sometime!"



Things got a bit heated after that so we did a fist-bump.



Then we headed outside to check out nature.



I might have passed out at some point. Or maybe I was just looking at the stars. I can't quite remember.



Back inside, Jack was like, "Look, Chew-man, I'm sorry for calling you a wingman, but you're a pilot and so you kind of are a wingman, but so am I, and that's okay."



He gave me a plastic flower. And another beer.



And I was like, "It's cool, man. Flying in the Earth's atmosphere is just as cool as flying in outer space."



After that we started talking about more general things, philosophy, life, the stars, etc.



I told him, "Sometimes it gets kind of lonely being the only wookiee on earth," and Jack kind of got it and was like, "Yeah, I get how that might feel."



Then he said, "But sometimes being up in the stratosphere gives me perspective," and I was like, "Yeah, I can definitely relate to that."



We both got lost in our respective trains of thought.



Then Jack said, "When you really think about life, we're kind of all flying alone but not really flying alone at the same time." So I said, "Yeah, it's like how I'm a wookiee, and you're a totally different species, but deep down we're still bros."



Then Jack exclaimed, "But none of that really matters, because we're bros!" And we both agreed that we're wingmen and that it's awesome.



And so we continued to bro down til the sun came up.

Reciprocity Failure

Lately Lori has been putting me up on top of the refrigerator and forgetting to bring me down when she leaves for work.



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It’s better than being in the freezer, I guess, except that once I’m up here, I’m stuck up here.





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This one time I tried to climb down




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But I fell




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I’ve fallen down lots of times, but that time really hurt. That’s why I don’t climb down anymore.




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Fortunately this is where Lori keeps her whiskey, so I never get lonely.




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Hey, look! Here comes my buddy…




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At least I think he’s my buddy. I met him back in 2005, when he came up to the roof at McKibben and tried to drink some of my scotch and then got hammered and fell on the ground. I took him home shortly after that and he just never left, but that just might be because he’s lazy or liked Lori and her roommates or something. He barely ever talks to me.
He hangs out with the gold dude




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And he hangs with that other wookiee who is way shorter than me




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And he spends way too much time drinking wine by himself when he could be doing something cooler




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And occasionally he comes and hangs out with me, but I can never understand what he’s saying, and he usually does something retarded. Here he comes now.




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I wonder if he’s going to come up and hang out? That would be nice, even if I can’t really understand what he’s saying. I like scotch, but it gets lonely up here




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He’s pretty good at climbing, he can probably do it





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Even though I can’t understand anything he’s talking about, he’s still my buddy. Plus he can climb that chair







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Hey dude!





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How’s it going?




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He just came up here to write something. He’s probably waiting for Lori to come home so he can show it to her.




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That’s why they’re friends, I guess, because they both know how to read English. I can read Wookiee and about ten other languages native to my galaxy, but English is way too confusing and illogical




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If you’re not a native speaker it’s way too easy to misassign meanings to statements that mean something else, etc. I’ve done that way too many times, it's because the language makes no sense





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If he brought that pen up here I could show him how to write Wookiee







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When I lived on Kashyyk we used to write letters on tree bark, and pass them around. When we all got them we would do a Wookiee cry and then dance. I wish I could climb down from the refrigerator




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I don’t know why he’s showing it to me, he knows I can’t read it. He knows that Lori always has to translate my blogs for me when I post them online. If he was really my buddy he would be more sensitive about that




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Dude, I can’t read it.




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What, are you showing off? I can’t read it, showoff.





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He never responds to anything I tell him.




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Oh look, he’s got cookies. I would eat that! Maybe he’ll bring it up to me




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Bring one up to me! You can climb. I’m hungry, but I’m scared of falling off the refrigerator




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Fine dude, eat the cookies by yourself, see if I care





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I don’t want cookies anyways. I only eat organic. Kidding




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Oh look, he’s got wine. Holy shit, I would love a glass of wine. Bring me a glass of wine!




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Or not. I guess he’s too small to carry it. If he really wanted to hang out with me, he’d figure it out




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I only hang out with people that are big enough to pour me kegstands anyways. I don’t need a friend who is that short. If he was really my friend he’d figure out a way to talk to me




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He’d also figure out a way to not show off the fact that he has wine and I don’t




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On my planet everyone could speak Wookiee and it’s a much more sensible language.




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____________________________________________________________________________________II guess he's just a drunk











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The last time we hung out, I bought him shots and explained how to disassemble a droid, and he passed out.





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I know you can read and you’re smart, dude, but you can’t even figure out how to talk Wookiee




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wtf is he doing now




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Oh, he’s trying to draw something. Way to go! I could help you draw it if you came up here. I'm tall enough to hold a pen





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…are you trying to play tic-tac-toe?






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You can’t play tic-tac-toe by yourself, idiot




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Maybe he doesn't want to hang out...




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…He wants to read.




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If you’re smart enough to read, you’re smart enough to learn how to speak Wookiee. You should learn how to speak Wookiee, so we can have a conversation and I can teach you how to reassemble droids.




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Pay attention!




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Oh look, here comes his friend who’s not even tall enough to hold a shot glass. Living here is like living in a circus.




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I don’t miss getting shot at by imperial forces, but I miss the level of depth that Han and I used to have when we were flying into galaxies. Han didn’t speak Wookiee, but he got what I was talking about. Lori gets what I’m talking about, but she tends to fly off into alter egos, which makes her difficult to communicate with




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If people learned how to speak Wookiee I could explain to them the forestry of Endor and the first death of Palpatine. I know tons of shit about the universe. This is why I am awesome




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I am awesome because I take care of my friends when they drink Jameson at 9 a.m. and get so wasted that they fall down. I am awesome because I take them home and let them live with me. I am awesome because I speak ten languages that no one else knows and I am awesome because I understand galaxies. I can learn anything including English if I felt like it, because I am a goddamned genius



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I am awesome because I am the nicest Wookiee in the universe. I am awesome because I understand all the important things about the meaning of the universe that no one understands who has not fought the Death Star, and if anyone got how awesome I was they would bring me wine and cookies




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Go for that wine glass. Careful you don’t fall in




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Back when I lived on Kashyyk, we used to play chess at night and discuss the Great Hyperspace War



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Back when I lived on Kashyyk, people had pressing enough things to worry about that they didn’t do silly things




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At least Lori left her iTunes on so I can listen to Roxy Music.




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Even if it’s lonely, up here I have lucidity





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Up here, I have time to think. And I have a bottle of scotch. Chewy always rocks on